Newt Gingrich has a Super PAC called “Winning Our Future.” Mitt Romney’s is called “Restore Our Future.”
I know, technically Super PACs don’t belong to candidates. But only innocents like Boy Scouts and the Supreme Court believe that. In the real world, this new kind of political action committee, created in the wake of a 2010 Supreme Court ruling, is a powerful campaign weapon.
Super PACs may raise unlimited sums of money from corporations, unions, associations, and individuals. They then may spend unlimited sums to overtly advocate for or against specific political candidates as they wish.
Unlike traditional PACs, Super PACs are technically prohibited from donating money directly to political candidates. In practice, they serve a specific candidate, who directs them with winks and nudges.
Gingrich’s Super PAC apparently thinks the way to win the future is to say nasty things about Mitt Romney. Romney’s Super PAC, meanwhile, is attempting to restore the future by saying nasty things about Gingrich.
It’s called free speech. If you don’t believe me, ask the aforementioned Supreme Court justices, a majority of whom don’t seem drunk. But they sure vote that way.
As a long-time practitioner of speech, free and otherwise, I see no reason for Gingrich and Romney to have all the fun. My new motto is “let a thousand Super PACs bloom.”
To that end, I’m announcing the formation of my very own Super PAC. It’s dedicated to good government, free speech, and saying nasty things about practically everybody.
I’m calling it “Destroy Our Future.”
Its main beneficiaries will, of course, be our grandchildren. You can’t be a credible candidate these days without voicing concern about leaving future generations a better world than the one we live in now — or just one with lower taxes for the rich.
Destroy Our Future will assist candidates who are dedicated to lowering taxes by doing away with schools, roads, bridges, scientific research, airports, high-speed rail, low-speed rail, public television, and libraries.
How will that help our grandchildren? They won’t have to pay upkeep on any of those things, which will be lucky because they probably won’t be making much money. What decent job needs a worker who went to a lousy school with a lousy library?
Decent jobs aren’t the only thing we’ll lack. Unions won’t be around either. Wages will be low enough for our workers to compete with China, India, and even countries where shoes are a luxury item.
Healthcare? Don’t worry. You’ll be taken care of by our world-famous healthcare industry, so long as you don’t get sick. If you do, however, I’m afraid you’ll just have to sell a kidney or something. Just don’t whine and expect government to solve all of your problems. That is so 20th-century.
With Social Security just a memory, you’ll have to live your golden years with your kids of course, which is only fair since they lived with you until they were 35 years old.
Who among the remaining Republican presidential candidates should my Super PAC support to accomplish these lofty goals?
Looking over the cast of characters, I find an embarrassment of riches. Nearly all of them have endorsed most, if not all, of Destroy Our Future’s agenda.
Romney brings the zeal of a recent convert to the battle. Gingrich wields the well-honed skill of a political knife-fighter. No one could be more sincere than former Sen. Rick Santorum, whose views on procreation are somewhat to the right of Pope Benedict XVI, while Rep. Ron Paul is to big government what the atom bomb was to Hiroshima.
You can hardly go wrong with any of them. I urge you to send in your donations to Destroy Our Future so I can make this country safe for the 18th century.
Naturally, my lovely wife and I will expect a small fee for administering the fund. Don’t worry, it won’t exceed the $1.6 million Newt got for those history lessons he gave Freddie Mac. Oh, and I’ll need to pay my grown kids to manage this patriotic initiative. Kids don’t come cheap.